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Cowboy Humor

Long-Hair Cowboy

Copper King mask by Wayne SchererLeft: Copper King mask, by Wayne Scherer

Cowboy Humor by Ben Marshall

"I'm never cuttin' my hair again," J.W. declared yesterday.

"But you're the last person I know who still wears a crew cut," I responded.

J.W. looked at me in annoyance.

"You need to get out more often, Ben," he said," and we don't call it a crew cut any longer.

I'm growin' my hair long to protest against those politicians who want to control women's bodies."

"It's a good cause, brother, you make me proud." I said.

"Thanks. You have to draw the line somewhere. If you don't, the next thing you'll know lawmakers will be passin' legislation to outlaw unions."

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I thought about my answer. With J.W. it's sometimes a better course of action to not attempt that enlightenment thing.

I was winnin' in my internal battle to keep my trap shut when he continued.

"Or worse, they might pass a law tryin' to keep women and minorities from bein' able to vote. Or maybe even goin' to college."

"I think you may have somethin' there, J.W."

J.W. went off to do some chores and left me to my thinkin'. What came to mind most was the concept of someone else's rights endin' at the end of their fist and the beginnin' of my nose. I'd explain myself more but then this would belong in my "Cowboys can Bore You to Death" column.

The compellin' thought at the end of philosophically cuttin' up this subject is, havin' a stranger or even a friend, man or woman, in control of your body is creepy.

There, I said it. The cat's out of the saddle bag. It's creepy.

Take the smallest function, like havin' someone else cut your nails. I've never had anyone do this to me but it doesn't seem like it would be all that bad. But let's go the other way.

What if our politicians told us we could no longer cut our nails?

Fingernails wouldn't be affected. We could always "bite" them and say it's a medical problem. But what about our toenails?

We'd all wind up sockless with our toenails curlin' down to the ground. We wouldn't be able to drive, ride or wear cowboy boots. Courtin' a young lady would change dramatically.

Grape stompin' here in the wine country would also be a by-gone thing. I don't even have to say why.

So why don't we have a law sayin', "Before any lawmaker can pass a law interferin' with another innocent citizen's body, he or she has to grow all their toenails down to the marble floor they're standin' on."

I say they would be lucky to have such a law. And, perhaps, that would be too easy a task for some of the more determined ones.

What if, instead, we had a law tellin' these poli-tics they had to have a big plastic tube shoved into their bodies and watch a home movie?

That's it. After they grow their toenails down to the marble floor, let's make them sit down, have somethin' jammed into their bodies and force them all to watch a home movie. Afterwards they can pass any darn law they want to.

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