Lisa Chan, There's Help for You
Of course not bein' able to speak English well didn't hurt Arnold in his first movie, Hercules Comes to Earth.
Or perhaps you can become a cowgirl. It won't be easy but, with an expert like me helpin' you, there's an outside chance of you passin' as one.
First of all, (after you learn the "s" rule) you need to stop goin' around insultin' everybody in the United States. A cowgirl would never do that.
You see, cowgirls and cowboys have learned not to poke fun at other people unless they are very close to us. And if you do, you've gotta be able to take bein' poked back. If you make fun of yourself, it's funny. When you do it to someone you don't know, you're bein' a bully.
Next, you need to learn to talk like a cowgirl. Slow down your speech, add the necessary "s" here and there and drop a "g" now and then.
I'd also suggest a couple of weekends in the Wine Country away from those rice patties you like bicycling in. Hang out with us cowboys and try to calm yourself a bit. Let one of us buy you a drink. I know it probably won't be Tsingtao Beer (my favorite) but we've won a few awards up here with a little drink we call "wine."
I think you'll blend in, Lisa, because you seem to have real grit in you.
I'd volunteer some time tryin' to help you out with all this but I already have a girlfriend from the City and she's not a Republican. Not that bein' a Republican would matter if a girl was as pretty enough. And you are.
Sure, we could teach you to ride and rope a calf but you can learn those things at a dude ranch. It's better to learn the manners of a cowgirl first.
Now I know things haven't died down for you yet, Lisa, but they will after the politician who hired you has his hat handed to him. I'd like to think you might even become a heroine.
Meanwhile, work on addin' an "s" or two when you're talkin' and buy yourself some cowgirl shoes.
I do have to warn you, it's not goin' to be easy tryin' to ride a bicycle wearin' them. You may have to learn how to drive a car.
Am I Pretty?