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Cowboy Humor

Ride Along with Us

Fire Feather, painted by Hannah Rose MillerLeft: Fire Feather, by Hannah Rose

Cowboy Humor by Ben Marshall

We live in a different world out here in West County.

Some call us cowboys but, although we are happy to use that moniker, none of us seriously thinks of ourselves as "real" cowboys.

A real cowboy goes on long cattle drives for very little money and lives a life full of honor.

Also, real cowboys don't think of themselves as such.

The rest of us try to live our lives the same way but sometimes we know we're just pretendin'.

We also like to have a little fun with ourselves and our friends out here. It makes the long days in a saddle and tasks like mending fences a little easier.

I hope you can join in with our humor and ride along with us. Just be careful not to take anything we say all that seriously.

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Am I Pretty?: Harsh language disturbs you although you might not show it. Here's a secret I'll now give to all my Cowboy friends out there. Don't swear around the ladies. You might find the reception you get just a little bit more friendly if you follow my advice... read more

The Barber Shop: My barber shop had closed, and I decided to try out something new on the advice of one of my girlfriends. "Go to Michelle," she told me, "She does a fabulous job with hair." You mighta guessed, this girlfriend was from The City... read more

The Barstool: Suddenly I felt her body move into perfect sync with mine as she hugged me tighter. I'll have to admit I've never felt love like that while lying on a broken chair.... read more

Beaver Hats: A beaver hat is a cowboy's most prized possession other than his dog and his horse... read more

Best Intentions: "I'll tell you why it is," he continued, takin' me off the hook. "It's because we show our true emotions there. For millions of years, we've recognized someone's intentions by lookin' at the right side of their face. Even dogs do it."... read more

Bodega Bay Vet: Then I found out he went to the University of California at Davis, where he obtained his Doctorate in Veterinary Medicine... read more

The Branding Party: J.W. wanted to come along because he's always lookin' for a reason to iron his Wranglers. Besides, I told him I was goin' because there might be some single cowgirls in attendance and it was time I got serious... read more

Brown Eyes: "She is a swirl of perfection, a pure sensation, a T-bone at a hot dog barbecue," I said with a touch of emotion in my throat.

You Can Never Find a Cassowary When You Really Need One: It has long been known cassowaries are evangelical beasts who try to get other birds to adopt their religious ways. Ceremonies have been witnessed where cassowaries attempt to make smaller birds wear the "horny casque" on their heads and stare at the sky... read more

Clipped Wings: My passion runs so deeply I think it's time for those of us in charge to turn the reins of government over to the ladies in this country. They're smarter, they're prettier and they always win the arguments... read more

Cowgirl Love: Then it hit me. Sometimes the sunsets on the range are so colorful you can almost taste them from your saddle. Sometimes they're orange. A poem about a cowgirl came to mind... read more

Crying Wolf: The truth is, No boy in grade school ever wants to write love letters to anyone. Ironically, that urge normally comes upon us in junior high, far too late to take advantage of what is basically a good idea... read more

Cyndi Lauper: When everyone who could leave, left Japan, Cyndi stayed behind and worked to help the survivors. So this pop up is different than most... read more

The Dance: We may have talked some but the feel of her arms around my neck and the fragrance of the moment made me think of the time I tried to cross the Colorado on the back of an Appaloosa... read more

The Duck Club: I was invited down to a Bodega Bay Chamber after-hours event at the Duck Club this week... read more

The Duck Club Revisited: So when my Forestville girlfriend did one of those Leap Year things and asked me to go back to dinner at the Duck Club, I didn't hesitate to say yes... read more

FFT Antiques: You could sell J.W. a 700-dollar beaver if there was some chocolate thrown in. Sein' my brother so animated gave me a second thought so I decided to look beyond the Chinese collection... read more 

Frankie: When we got to my friend's gate, I looked around for his dog, Blaze, but he wasn't in his normal place guardin' the fence. Instead there was this cute little puppy jumpin' around and actin' like he wanted to come home with us... read more

GOP Does IT Wrong: My dog does her business when I say to her, "Find Al Qaeda, Clare." She does and takes care of things... read more

Welcome to the Planet Earth Tim Jones: I excuse the Republican ladies of Missouri for makin' Tim Jones the house Speaker. Our latest survey tells us men in Missouri must outnumber the ladies by a large margin or Jones wouldn't be in office. Even Republican wives dislike this one... read more

Gourmet au Bay: The simple solution for me is to visit some of the great wine bars in the Wine Country. And I always take a girlfriend there. Wine tastes just a little bit better with a pretty filly sittin' next to you... read more

Gravenstein Lions: Durin' the break, I overhead a young fella who was workin' on the scaffolding say to the owner of the house, "I couldn't believe it when they put those old guys on the shovels but they're pretty good... read more

Hurrah for You, Sleep Train: Hardcore listeners at the bottom of Rush Limbaugh's base, however, must be delighted by his rough treatment of this young student. I'm sure his ratings will have a temporary spike until even these folks, if their hearts are still beating, will desert him when they realise what a bully he is... read more

Lisa Chan: You see, cowgirls and cowboys have learned not to poke fun at other people unless they are very close to you. And if you do, you've gotta be able to take bein' poked back. If you make fun of yourself, it's funny. When you do it to someone you don't know, you're bein' a bully... read more

Long-Hair Cowboy: You have to draw the line somewhere. If you don't, the next thing you'll know lawmakers will be passin' legislation to outlaw unions... read more

March Madness: We went with Triple A originally because it sounded like the name of a ranch and neither of us had ever had a claim. You mighta guessed, we had no idea what to do. But the nice lady there took care of everything and directed us to one of their repair shops... read more

Mombo's Pizza: We walked past signs outside the door sayin' they were takin' 20 percent off their large pizzas and sat down at one of the chrome tables inside. Our pizza wasn't quite ready so we ordered a beer and had some fun lookin' at all the specials around. Mombo's Pizza reminds me of a place and time before I was born... read more

Osama Ben is Dead and We Really Should Thank Someone: Most conservative Republicans don't really know what to say other than Biden used hyperbole. This is mainly because world history isn't normally taught until the seventh grade... read more

Old Soldiering: They got to the chicken coop where they told Ricardo they consulted a cat psychic who said their pet had been chased into hiding by a black and white border collie... read more

From Romance to Cheerios: We were talkin' about romance the other day and things kinda got out of hand. The odd thing was, the topic started out with more

Romney Robot: Accordin' to the Scottish research, a possible remedy for the "uncanny Romney" effect is to stand perfectly still. Scientists have found this effect is not felt as long as Romney is somehow immobilized... read more

Run, Sheepy, Run: It may happen but I'm not goin' to stop appreciatin' ladies I know in the meantime. I have a lot of girlfriends though that's not really the word for it. Friendgirls would be a better term if it didn't sound so much like one of those made-up words from the Planet of the Apes... read more

Rush Limbaugh You're a Dirtbag: Rush Limbaugh, you're a dirtbag. You're a dirtbag for all the things you said to this young girl and you're a dirtbag for thinkin' you can amble up to the mic and say you really didn't mean it and it was all in good fun... read more

Sandpiper Restaurant: You're at a party and you happen to see somethin' from the dessert table while you're pickin' up a crab cake. Now you know you're not goin' to enjoy that crab cake until you find out what the dessert is so you put it back and cut right to the hunt... read more

Sleep Train: At first glance, their decision to axe the Grand Poobah seems like an act of the very decency Rush slammed through with the shear weight of his grand birth... read more

Thank You, Arizona: I'm givin' you the benefit of possibly havin' some intelligent thought in that august body of yours. Unfortunately, I'd have to be wearin' my chaps to get through that thicket of thinkin'. No, as a collective body, you're just not that smart... read more

This Ain't No Tea Party: Apparently, a tea party is the beginnin' of a scale goin' up to the hardest thing to do, admitting you're wrong if you're a politician... read more

Ting Hou Chinese Restaurant: My date had two plump pot stickers just ready to burst with juicy vegetables and subtle flavor as a starter (she talks kinda fancy) and I ordered soup and Chinese burritos... read more

Vintner's Dinner: I was a little worried about spendin' the night alone in Heart's Desire so I asked my Sonoma girlfriend if she would go with me but first I had to apologize to her for not callin' more often... read more

Wash Cloths: I thought of lots of things to say, how France helped us in both of our fights for independence, how they gave us the Statue of Liberty, how they are a strong NATO friend but I knew all of this would not be enough to satisfy him... read more

Wayne Scherer, Artist: I know deep down Wayne wants to be a cowboy like I am but he's stuck in the world where he lives. Some things you just have to start doin' while you're young... read more

Whales and Other Republicans: But the half-a-brain defense is not limited to presidential hopefuls. When Fla. Gov. Marco Rubio strongly backed the deadly Stand-Your-Ground law as a state legislator he was one of the first Republicans to indicate the half-a-brain virus might have infected the GOP.

Wizard of Oz: The point is to come up with a topic, pick it apart and put it back together sorted by life lessons... read more

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